I don't know about you, but I've always struggled with finding out who I am, and being confident in myself. My whole life, I've felt like I've chased my own tail trying to figure out my identity. So many people have told me what they think I should be, and I've always listened, not realizing they know me about as well as I did (which is, not well). I was too busy trying to live up to the expectations of my family and friends to stop and ask, "Is this really what I feel called to? Do I believe this about myself? Who am I, really?"
It also doesn't help that I'm indecisive. It's taken the first twenty years of my life to grapple with the fact that my identity comes from God, not from the family I was born into, the friends I hang around with, or the occupation God called me to. Once I had that solid foundation, and believe me, I'm still working on staying firm in that truth, it came time to wait on God to reveal Himself to me. I know what you're thinking: I'm supposed to be finding myself, not God. But that's the thing with us weirdo Christians; we have to prayerfully wait for God to reveal Himself to us so that we know first and foremost who we belong to. And He did not disappoint. The Hall directors for my dorm decided to do a short book club thing for J-Term. (If you're not familiar with the term, J-term is a three-ish week semester in the month of January, where you can take up to four credit hours or study abroad.) Now, I love books and reading, so I wanted to join one. The assistant hall director, who was in charge of the group I'm in, chose the book "Scary Close" by Donald Miller. In short, it's about intimacy and learning how to be open and trusting in friendships, family, and romantic relationships. To be completely transparent with you, I knew immediately this was the group I needed to choose because trusting people in general is not one of my strengths. What I found as I read through this book, while I don't share a lot of similarities with the author and his life, I realized one thing we have in common: there came a point in both of our lives that we became too careful. For Miller, it was because of new-found his success as a writer. For me, it was trusting people who didn't value me or my writing. I've been hurt so many times by other people for a variety of reasons that I just stopped showing myself and talking about things I'm passionate about. I normally don't like talking to people because, in one way or another, I end up walking away from the conversation with a bruised heart. And I can't do that anymore. In chapter eleven of his book, Miller outlines this "list of new freedoms" after his decision to strive to be himself. All of the things on his list are things I want to work on, too, like being passionate and strong in my beliefs and being okay with the fact that I'm going to be wrong from time to time (list found on page 148 of the book). I encourage you to read "Scary Close." It's given me a new perspective on myself I've never had before. You can find it on Amazon if you click here. You can find Donald Miller on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram if you tap the underlined social media titles, and I will see you next time! Happy Writing!
0 Comments
I love the idea of to-do lists. They seem so organizational and official. And the dopamine rush you get when you check something off? Amazing.
That being said, when I write out a to-do list, whether it’s for getting certain homework assignments done during the day or even an over-arcing one for breaks in between semesters, I never seem to get anything done. Take this blog post for instance. I was supposed to post this three weeks ago! It frustrates me to no end, and I wish there was a way to combat this sense of failure I feel when I look at the pad of paper sitting on my desk full of tasks yet to be done. No, not every day needs to be a productive one. Writing for me comes in times of intense inspiration, and there are always slumps that come along with that. It’s part of the process. And I did have fun today, spending time with my family, cooking, and exercising. I just wish I’d gotten at least one thing done that I’d set out to do. There’s still some time left, and I’m not going to waste it. I’m gonna go check off a couple of things before I go to bed tonight. Again, like this blog post. Even though it wasn’t even on the list for today, but whatever. If I don’t see you before, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and happy writing! I’ve gotten to a point in my life where looking at old photos makes me sad.
Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate where I am now, and I’m glad I’ve grown to a place of maturity. I’ve met amazing new people and gone on cool adventures. The lessons I’ve learned in life are ones I’m glad to have been taught. Every once in a while, when I look at pictures from my past, I want to relive those moments. I crave, just for a second, I could go back and be in that point in my life again. The ones that really make me reminisce are my action shots from my time in show choir. It was a great period in my life, even after the countless hours we spent going over choreo, vocals, and all of the performances and competitions we had throughout the school year. Over four years of high school, I spent 1,250 hours in show choir, and it was worth it. While I don’t miss high school, I miss choir and the people I did it with. Sadly, I lost contact with a good portion of the people I ran around with. That’s not anyone’s fault, obviously; life took us all in different directions. Part of me wants to have a reunion. I wonder if we could do that. Looking back over that time, I realize no one really knew who I was or what I wanted to do with my life. They know me, but they didn’t know me. I doubt there were many that knew I was passionate about writing until after I graduated and started building my platform, and I know for a fact most of them would’ve never guessed I write murder mysteries. Maybe I regret not coming out of my shell as much as I should have. And, maybe it’s for the better I didn’t. Still, I wonder how some of my friendships would’ve been different if I did open up a little more with my choir friends. Or I’m totally in my head and overthinking again. |
L.P. MetzgerJust a girl with a dream, but you already knew that. Archives
November 2021
Categories
All
|